Purse Posturer

Roc writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My boy’s girl wanted a bag for Christmas.  She told me to tell him.  But I knew my boy couldn’t afford it.  So I bought it for her and told her not to tell him.  The bitch told.  Now my boy’s mad at me!  What the hell??

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

What the hell is that you look like a complete dick for trying to steal your boy’s girl!  You ain’t slick!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

For once I agree with the Devil.  Your intentions may have been in the right place but you completely overstepped your bounds by taking matters into your own hands.  By going behind your friend’s back and buying a gift for his girlfriend that he could not afford to buy you are emasculating him and subconsciously trying to impress his girlfriend with your own potency.  You owe your friend an apology.

Roommate(S)!

Veronica writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I own an apartment but I travel a lot for work (months at a time) and it’s creepy to come home to an empty place so I got a roommate.  It’s a 2 bedroom and my roommate basically gets the whole apartment to himself while I’m away (which is most of the time).  He pays less than half the rent because the mutual friend who referred him to me let me know that he was struggling and had 2 children to support.  The deal is he doesn’t use my room so when I come home I have my space just as I left it.  Well unbeknownst  to me he allowed his brother to move into my room and they have been splitting the already low rent deal that I gave him.  He also moved his kids into the apartment and gave a key to the children’s mother.  He says his brother is not sleeping in my room (which I totally do NOT believe) and doesn’t understand why I’m so pissed off.  I feel he’s disrespected me and the agreement we had and I feel taken advantage of!  What should I do and how do I get them out of my apartment? 

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Well there are 2 ways to go about this:  1) you can walk around butt-booty naked while his children are there.  Invite girlfriends over to spend the night who are just as mammary militant and ASS-ertive and scream things out to each other like, “Have you seen my vibrator?”  or “Girl, what’s that cauliflower looking thing on your va-joinx?!  Is that HERPES??!!” If that doesn’t send him barreling out the door with posse in tow then try 2) paying an extremely flamboyant homosexual to move in for a while and have him send nasty notes and messages to your roommate through his kids about all the naughty things he’d like to do to their dad. 

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

This is your apartment, correct?  So there is no  need for discussion or reasoning if the agreement the 2 of you set forth has been broken.  Leave emotions out of it because that leads to frustration, confusion and (worst of all) unnecessary discussion.   Be firm and let him know that the agreement was broken (if you have it somewhere in writing that’s even better).  Then firmly set a date that you want the extraneous roommates gone (whether it be a day or a month).  If you want him gone along with the extras let him know that too.  You are certainly within your rights to do so.  Then change the locks just to be safe.

Toys for Snots

Sheila writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I went to the toy store yesterday to find the new Buzz Lightyear doll for my nephew.  He’s been begging for it and it’s been surprisingly hard to find in my area.  So I see one in the store and I grab it and then I hear this scream behind me.  Some little kid that couldn’t've been more than 4 comes at me wailing and pounding me on my leg with his fist saying, “That’s my Buh-Lie-Year”.  I didn’t even see him and he wasn’t holding the doll; so (fair is fair) I held on to it and said, “Shut up, kid!  I got here first.”  So he starts screaming and then he kicks me.  So I push him down and say, “Hey!  You don’t hit grown-ups you little snot.”  Just then his mother walks up and hears me calling her kid a snot and sees him sitting on the ground so she starts freaking out.  She’s like, “What the heck is going on here.”  And little kid starts crying and LYING to his mother saying that I beat him up and took his toy (God I wish I had) but I didn’t!!  So I tell his mother that he’s crazy and has no manners and needs a spanking.  She calls out to an employee without even listening to me and tells the employee to get the store manager because I’m manhandling her little brat.  So I get mad and tell the kid that Santa’s  not even real and that his mother is buying all his gifts and that he probably won’t get anything this year since he’s such a little snot!  I was asked to leave but I made a scene and refused to leave without purchasing my gift.  They let me and told me not to come back.  Should I file a complaint against the store?

 

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

First off high fives, my friend!  You could not have handled that situation better if I had birthed you myself and you’d grown up under my tutelage.  Secondly that store needs to be taught a lesson.  So I advise you to create a huge sandwich board sign that says “SHAME SHAME SHAME:  THIS STORE SUPPORTS KID VIOLENCE”.  Wear it and pace back and forth at the store’s entrance with a bullhorn telling your story to anyone who will listen.   They’ll learn!

 

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Ah the Christmas season!  It always comes with such cheer and good will!  Perhaps it was a bit much to ruin the little boy’s childhood over a kick in the leg.  Once a child hears that Santa is not real it’s hard to undo that notion.  And a good rule of thumb is to never meet violence with violence especially when it comes to other people’s children.  Restraining someone else’s violent child until help arrives is fine but retaliation is too risky because in most cases (as in this one) people tend to side with the distress child over the “reasonable” adult especially when it’s hard to decipher who is being more childish.  In other words you should not have pushed the child down.  So unless you need to return to that store for other gifts for this Christmas Season chalk it up to a bad day and steer clear until the holiday season dust settles.  Then if you think the manager really meant it when he said stay away go back and state your case (to the manager, not the passers-by).

No-Good Nail Tech

There’s a nail tech at the nail salon I go to who always rushes through my nails.  He never does a good job and when I tell him what I want he just says, “Yes, yes”.  I know the m*therf*cker speaks English; but he plays that “No speaka” sh*t with me when I complain about my nails after he does what he wants to them instead of what I ask him to do!!  The past few times I’ve gone I’ve  had the bad luck of getting this guy as my nail tech because my salon has a rotation system so every tech gets equal customers.  I tried once to complain about my nails and ask for a different technician and the owner told me no because it was this guy’s “turn to do nail”.  What should I do?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Uuumm… let’s see… hmmm… why don’t you stop— You know what, no, KEEP GOING to the nail salon!   Because you absolutely deserve to keep getting this technician and you deserve to be totally irritated and dissatisfied because you are a moron! 

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

As the consumer you have the right to make choices about how you spend your hard-earned money.  If you are not getting the service you want stop patronizing that salon.  Even if the loss of your business goes unnoticed by the salon you my dear will have the satisfaction of knowing you stood up for your rights as a consumer.  And if you want to publicly expose the salon for poor customer service you could use a search engine to find the salon online and write a review about your experience or file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau.

Thrown Under the Bus

Shaunie writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My supervisor at work and I were pretty close friends for a while (even before I got the job).   We had mutual respect for each other’s work which is how we became friends.  I knew he was attracted to me but I also knew he had an ego and I didn’t want to bruise it by telling him I was not attracted to him. So whenever he would make advances I would brush them off and deftly change the subject or laugh and pretend he was being silly.  When promotion time came around I got the feeling he expected me to sleep with him to get the position.  I decided to have a serious conversation with him in which I politely told him that I didn’t see him in that way and further I would never put myself in a position to compromise my integrity by sleeping with someone on the job.  Of course I was not promoted (someone who was FAR less qualified got the position) and he no longer speaks to me.  But a co-worker told me that he is now bad mouthing me to my boss!!  What should I do??

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Front on his ass right in front of your boss and everybody else in the office who’ll listen.  Get loud and belligerent with it!  You already got passed over for the promotion so you have nothing to lose.  Say something like, “Just who the hell do you think you are??  I wouldn’t screw you so you screwed me out of a promotion??  What kind of man uses bribery to get sex!  You’re a sad, sick son of a bitch and YOU need to kill yourself!!”   

Then just go pack your stuff… cuz you’re totally gonna get fired.  It’s fine.. you’ll feel good as they escort you out of the building.  Trust Me!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Let your work speak for you!  If you are good at what you do no matter what anyone says or does your work will shine through and people will see for themselves.  As for the promotion, talk to the boss and ask him exactly why you were passed over for the promotion.  If you truly were the most qualified candidate for the job and your supervisor’s words had anything to do with the boss not giving you the promotion be totally honest with your boss and tell him what happened.  Then ask that he reevaluate the decision.

Dutch Oven Dutchess

Jerry writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My girlfriend farts in bed and it ain’t pretty.  When we first started dating she was prim and proper and now that we live together she’s a different beast!  I say beast because the smell is clearly not human.  She argues that I fart in bed too.  BUT I’m a man and men do that.  Plus mine rarely stink they just make noise.  This affects our intimacy because there are certain things I just will not do after she farts!  How can I get her to be more lady-like (the way she was when we first started dating)?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

You need another woman and she needs to kill herself.  Clearly her insides are already rotted so it’s not a big leap to death.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Double standards hardly ever work in a progressive relationship.  If you pass gas in bed you give her license to do the same (regardless of who stinks more).  If you want her to stop set the example by stopping yourself.  Let her know that it affects your intimacy and that perhaps you both could agree to make the effort to save all unpleasant bodily functions for the restroom.  If you are not willing to stop you should not expect her to.

Tele-Hater

Janice writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I am an actor who uses various online profiles to promote myself.  I recently took new headshots and wanted to upload them to my profile.  The prices were too high for my budget so I called the office and asked for a deal.  There was a really nice guy who helped me and gave me the uploads for half price.   About 2 weeks later I joined another agency and was going to use the same website but create a new profile and copy my photos from the 1st profile to my new agency’s profile (which the website said I could do for a really low price).  I went to the 1st profile I to copy the new pictures and realized that they were never posted.  So I called again.  This time I spoke to a woman.  I explained to her that I had paid for the photos to be uploaded about 3 weeks prior and they never were.  So I wanted her to first upload the photos to the 1st site and then copy the photos to the second site for the deal I had seen on the internet.  When she realized that I had gotten the half-price deal on the 1st site she immediately began hating on me!!  She said venomously, “Wow, he gave you a really good deal!  That was too much money off!  I’m not gonna give you the discount price because you’ve gotten enough of a deal already.”  I told her the price the website advertised and she said, “Well I’ll give you maybe two transfers for that price but that’s it!”  I was so mad I hung up!!  What should I do??

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Call that heifer right back and say, “Look, TWAT, just because you have absolutely no game at all and couldn’t get a discount at the GoodWill doesn’t mean you have to hate on those of us who actually have swagger! In case your hateful ass didn’t realize it we’re in a recession and of course I’m gonna take all the discounts I can!!  If your lame ass could get one you’d take it too.  Whether you like it or not I got the bomb deal before and now the internet says I can get another one.  So put your manager on the phone because one way or another you all are going to give me the advertised price for EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY DAMNED PHOTOS, you crab!!  Then when the manager gets on the phone start crying and tell him how awful and mean the lady was on the phone with you when you were only trying to save money.  Tell him how many of your friends you’ve recommended the site to and how you never expected to be treated so harshly.  You’ll get the deal and she’ll get a reprimand at the very least.  Then call her back and laugh at her really hard.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Well granted you got a great deal but that prior deal should have no bearing on this new order of business.  If a certain price is advertised and there is no disclaimer that says, “This offer valid only if you’ve not received a good deal already” then the company should honor it.  Otherwise it’s called false advertising.  My advice is to call back and ask to speak to the manager.  He/she should honor the advertised deal.  If not you could always  take your business elsewhere or report the company to the Better Business Bureau for false advertising.

The Waiting Game

Samuel writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

I’ve been trying to woo a particular client for an investment deal for a couple of weeks now and I can’t believe how incredibly rude he is!  I’ll meet with him to go over plans for the deal I want him to do with us and he’ll take phone calls right in the middle of my talking to him.  He’s stayed on the phone for up to 15 minutes while I’m sitting there waiting for him!!  If I’m one minute late past the time we’re scheduled to meet he’s looking at his watch with a frown; yet he has rescheduled a meeting 10 minutes before our scheduled meeting time before (when I was clearly on my way!).  He plays games on his phone during our meetings, stops people who are walking by to have random social conversations and spaces out when I’m talking to him.   He’s just a royal pain in the rump and I abhor dealing with him.  My partner and I need his money but I can’t stand working with him!  What the heck should I do?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Tell your partner that you almost have this guy onboard but that it would really seal the deal if you both took him out to dinner.  Take him to a great restaurant where people go to “see and be seen”  (make sure you get a booth far away from the toilets!).   Say that the bartender is a friend of yours who makes the most awesome drink with your client’s favorite liquor in it (this is a lie) but you forgot what the drink is called so you have to go and ask.  Order 3 drinks (make sure sweet juice is one of the ingredients along with his favorite liquor) but  slip a double dosage of both powdered laxatives and stool softeners in the client’s drink.  When you get back to the table  sit on his side of the booth blocking him in.  Make a toast and wait for the magic!..  When he asks you to let him out so he can go to the toilet answer your phone (even if it’s not ringing) and hold up a finger and mouth the words “Just a minute”.  The more frantic he gets the more absorbed in your “phone conversation” you should get.  Even plug your open ear with your finger, lean away from him and say into the phone, “Sorry, say that again! I can’t hear you.. some guy’s gawking in my ear.”  But whatever you do DO NOT let him out of that booth!  Eventually he’ll embarrass the shit out of himself (pun intended!)  and have to get up and take the walk of shame past all of the “who’s who” in your city.  Just think about all the times he kept you waiting and disrespected you and relish in this poopy pants payback!  Cheers!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Sadly we live in a society where the person who has the least to offer in any given situation often times is at the mercy of the person who has more to offer.  Sometimes it is torturous for the person in need and you have to ask yourself if you can live without whatever it is that the ”torturer” has to offer.  In your case can you live without his money?  Can you find someone else to invest in your project?  If so then you can graciously (no need to be a jerk to a jerk) bow out of the deal.  If there is no one else you can find who will give you what this person can give you then unfortunately you’ll have to deal with him until the deal is done.   Meditate before each dealing with him to center yourself and find stress relieving activities to do after.  And take comfort in the fact that you can rise above such petty behavior and be focused on the business at hand.  Sometimes people act the way your client is acting because they have no control over anything else in their lives (especially their own spiritual self) and are therefore suffering, unhappy and  insecure.  So they feel the need to make others suffer (i.e. misery loving company) and the only opportunity they have to do so is when they are in a situation where they have more material/physical leverage on another person.  Pray for him and maintain your integrity.  At the end of the day regardless of what he has to offer you are the better person karmically!

Lazy Bones

Jonno writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My girl is maaaad lazy!  We live together and I did tell her I wanted to take care of her.  But I didn’t know she was gonna sleep all day and not even try to get a job, yo!  It’s driving me crazy and we constantly fight abou it.  We don’t have any kids and she doesn’t do any housework.  I told her, “Why you wanna lay around all day and do nothing for?” And she’s like “You said you could take care of me!”  And I can!  But I didn’t mean for her to do NOTHING.   How do I make her get up and find a job or at least help out around the house.  Not because I need the help but because I feel like kickin her in the head everytime I come home from workin  hard and see her just chillin!!

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

Well instead of arguing and getting angry (which is not working) try a different approach.  Every morning when you wake up grab her by the waist pull her over to you and whisper sweetly in her ear, “Only Hookers get paid in bed.”  Then turn on the lights open the curtains and start blasting “P***Y(Real Good)” by Jacki-O while you get ready for work.  Then whenever you speak to her call her “My Little Hooker” instead of her real name (i.e. “Hello, My Little Hooker, how was your day”).  This will be especially effective when her parents call the house (i.e.  “Your daddy’s on the phone My Little Hooker!”).   When you take her out introduce by saying, “Hey boss this is My Little Hooker”.  Let her know that until she earns her keep like a real woman you will continue to call her by this new name.

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

Umm… please don’t do that!  Just set aside some specific time to have a serious conversation with her and be totally honest.  Setting aside time means that neither of you is caught off guard so neither should be defensive.  Make an agreement to hear each other out and really listen to the other’s point of view.  You may find that just telling her how you feel about her doing nothing all day instead of trying to use reverse psychology might do the trick.  On the other hand you may find out some interesting point of view on why she has not been looking.  From there you can make choices on how to help her or even decide if she is the right person for you.

BAD A$$ KIDS!!

Sarah writes:

Dear Deviled Angel,

My boyfriend, Stencil, and I went to a really nice restaurant for our anniversary dinner.  I wanted to make it special so I went out and bought a brand new dress: white, satin cocktail dress off the shoulder.  We went to a nice Italian place in Westwood and I was careful so as not to spill anything on my dress.  At the next table this mother and her toddler are having dinner and the toddler starts throwing her food.  The little girl picks up a handful of spaghetti and throws it right at me.  It lands on my dress!!  And the mother leans over and grabs the toddler’s hand says (a bit too gently) “Now, Ruth, that wasn’t very nice.”  THAT’S IT!!!  No apology, no assistance getting the tomato sauce off my dress, nothing!  I was furious but I didn’t think I should cause a scene.  I just asked the waiter for some club soda and my boyfriend helped me out as much as he could and we finished our dinner and left. Would I have been wrong if I had said something?

DEVIL’S RESPONSE:

HELL NO!!  In fact you should have gotten up, grabbed the little snot’s plate of spaghetti and mushed it right in her little face and said, “Your retarded ass mother won’t tell you this, little Ruthy,  but in the real world it’s tit for tat!!”  Then after that you should have turned to her punk ass mother and said, “Not everybody thinks your ugly little kid’s antics are cute.  Now who’s gonna pay for my damn dress??!!”… and P.S., Sarah,  What the EFF kinda name is “STENCIL” ?!  You should have kept that to yourself!

ANGEL’S RESPONSE:

It would have been absolutely appropriate to say something (in a polite way of course!).  Parents are responsible for their children’s actions especially their toddlers.  It is quite understandable that the mother may not have been able to reach across and stop the toddler before she threw the food (they are pretty quick at that age) however the mother should have offered an apology if not payment for the damage to your ensemble.  No need to cry over spilled spaghetti this time (the ship has sailed); but next time stand up for yourself and your outfit!